When the hubs and I got engaged I imagined a great journey awaiting us.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, but it had the promise of growth, progression, and companionship.  
Addiction scratched, ripped, rotted all those dreams away.  It was as if we were facing this long beautiful walk.  A tree lined path of experiences.  It wasn't paved so we knew there would be mud when it rained.  I was expecting the occasional boulder or fallen tree to darken our path.  I was hopeful though, I knew that together we could trust God to lead us around the tough spots.  This journey was going to be adventurous and purposeful!

Looking head we shrugged our shoulders and said, "why not?."  Dispensing with the formalities and promising to walk the journey together...promising each other and God....we turned toward the path of life joined together.

My husband took my hand pulled me into his mode of transportation.  It was not a bike but it did have a wheel.  It was a stationary hamster-wheel.  I thought...."no way is that getting us anywhere" and he said, "I got this, I know what I'm doing so lets get goin."  



Together we walked in his cycling hamster wheel.  There were markers inside and after time, years actually, I recognized them.  I could tell which one came after the other.  I got really tired of the wheel.  I stopped walking at some point and he didn't even notice as my body would ride to the top and flop down to the bottom as he hit his lowest markers.  I realized it was time to drag my tired, haggard broken-hearted self off the wheel.  

Co-dependency is what kept me on that crazy ride and I still find myself getting sucked into it every so often...."come on and go for a run with me" he calls.  When I'm feeling insecure or lonely I take the invitation.  Thanks to recovery work and a lot of praying I am finding the will to say no and seeing things more clearly. 

Now that I'm off the wheel I find myself patiently sitting by the sidelines waiting for my spouse to get off too.  Sometimes I want to hook a rope to that stupid wheel and drag him down the path because the path we chose we have to go together.  I'm not ready to pick a different one.  Some days I want to kick the wheel off it's tracks and watch him roll away with no care for his safety or where he lands.  My love for him and the promises we made keep me in check.  I don't know for how long or what my choices are going to be.  

After ridding that wheel I need to recover from the wounds and rest up.  I need to get my feet back on solid ground so I can be in a place to make heavy decisions.  

So I'm starting this blog.  I'm going to write to process, write to regurgitate things I've learned, write to let off steam, write to laugh at my own jokes, and write that maybe something I share might help another who is trying to find their own feet again.

I'm a WOPA.  I have been inspired and educated by women who share there experiences this way and I'm hoping to add my story too.  Healing is best done when the wounds are aired out a bit and the wounds caused by Sex addiction can run deep.  There needs to be a place to talk about it.  It is so taboo and hidden....it's got to be aired out some where.....